What is fear? Is fear good or bad? Is fear helpful or harmful?

Fear’s purpose is to alert us to the presence of danger or a threat of personal harm – be it physical or psychological. If fear is serving its elemental purpose, it’s a good thing. Right?

Once we’re alerted to the danger, we assess the situation, we change directions or shore up any defenses needed to keep the danger away.

That all sounds logical. It sounds like a great definition given to a simple question.

What happens though when your life revolves around a constant psychological trauma and it doesn’t seem to get better? What happens when no matter how hard you try, the fear is here to stay?!

As special needs moms, we are dealing with our child’s special needs (physical, behavioral, mental, or otherwise) all. the. time. Our brains have learned to fear the heartache, overwhelm, loneliness, and sadness that jumps out at us around every corner.

So, how do you live with the fear but not live in fear? That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?

One thing I do when the fear seems to be permeating through every aspect of my life is to write down my fears. I write it all out word for word. I don’t hold back. I don’t judge myself or try to “tone down the crazy.”

Once it’s all written down, I do what I call my Facts Over Fear exercise.

1. Grace to feel: I write down exactly what I’m feeling. I tell myself it’s okay and it’s normal if not a primal response to a genuine threat. I sit in the space and allow myself to feel all the feels. No judgment. No explanations. Just the feels.
2. Just the facts: I will then and underline or highlight the facts – just the facts as a judge would see it if I was standing in front of her. I then cross out the rest – even if they are valid fears. Ultimately, I just want to see the facts. (There are no could-haves, should-haves, or shouldn’t-haves allowed here.)
3. Promises and protection: If what remains is still fearful and overwhelming, I write one of God’s promises next to it, something or someone who is currently in my corner, or how I’m currently doing my best to protect myself and/or my loved ones from the danger.
4. Rewriting the story: I rewrite the fear as it now stands as fact.

Here’s an example of a current fear of mine and how I settle my heart and mind around it. (It’s not fool-proof every time but it does help more times than not.)

1. Grace to feel: My son’s disease is progressing. He’s starting to show signs of progressive weakness. I’m afraid we’ll get a bad report at the next cardiologist visit. I’m terrified of what that will mean for him, for us, and for our family. Can I handle the news? Will I crumble? How will TJ handle it? Will he even understand the ramifications of the results? How do I stop my heart from stopping if his does?
2. Just the facts: My son’s disease is progressing. He’s starting to show signs of progressive weakness.
3. Promises and protection: I am doing everything I know how to do on this side of heaven. I am proactive and he is receiving the best care we can provide. We have an incredible medical team who are forward-thinking. There are literally millions of dollars being invested into research for a cure. God’s promise is of eternal life with Him – without pain, without sadness, without disease, and without fear.
4. Rewriting the story: Yes, TJ’s disease is progressing. Yes, he’s starting to show signs of progressive weakness. Yes, it’s sad and terrifying. He’s happy though. He’s full of life today. He struggles but he also is pretty darn good at overcoming. We are doing everything we can do to provide the best care – mentally, physically, and emotionally. TJ is God’s child first so whatever I feel is nothing compared to how God is caring for him today and always. God is stronger than Duchenne – so is TJ and so am I.

This exercise doesn’t eliminate the fear. Let’s be honest, the facts can still be scary. I find comfort knowing I have the power to rewrite my fear into something strong and courageous. 

Ultimately, I live with fear but I don’t live for it and my family doesn’t live in it. 

How do you handle fear? I’d love to hear how you cope with it.