One of the hardest things about being a special needs mom, especially if your child needs a lot of 1:1 assistance, is carving out quality time for others. Friendships will suffer if you aren’t careful and don’t intentionally work at them. The sad, hard truth is that friendships will change over time. That’s true for anyone.
“Friends are like flowers in the garden of life.”
I don’t know who said that but it’s a great quote.
I have personally had friendships change for the better, and I’ve had some change in what I consider negative ways. I wouldn’t say I’ve lost friendships though. It’s simply circumstances no longer allow me to do what other friends do.
If “friends are like flowers in the garden of life,” then doesn’t it make sense to enjoy the living, breathing, beautiful, soul-lightening flowers that are in full bloom? They are there in your ‘friend garden’ for a reason. Enjoy them!
On the other hand, doesn’t it also makes sense to pull the weeds and the flowers that have dried up in your garden?
The weeds are easy to pluck. Once you know they’re there, it’s almost satisfying to pull them at their source. But those weeds are often sneaky and you don’t know how much they’ve taken over the garden until you see other flowers fading.
The hardest work, in my opinion, is knowing how to handle the flowers that were once gorgeous and blooming. We know their potential for being beautiful, and oh my word we’ve put so much time and effort into cultivating those friendships.
Just like a flower, those friendships deserve our effort in trying to salvage. Some can come back and be even more beautiful than before. Some are too far gone to ever come back though. And that’s okay. That’s life. Take those lessons and apply it to the next friendship.
The hard truth is that just because we have so much to deal with in regards to our children with special needs, we don’t get to skip out on doing the work in our own garden. If we don’t cultivate it – and it dies – it’s up to us to replant or accept the empty spaces where the flowers used to grow.
There are three things to try when you feel your friend garden needs attention.
1. Wear the right gloves when dealing with the thorns. You will have friends that say something to hurt you at some point in your life. We’re all human. We’ve all had that friend that has said something “helpful” but strikes to the bone. They simply don’t understand the relentless stress that comes with being a special needs mom. Put on your gardening gloves, not your boxing gloves friend. Well, at least not until you do a little soul searching work.
Author Brene Brown will say to herself “This is the story I’m telling myself” when she feels hurt or confused. So maybe the story you’re telling yourself is that your friend said something inconsiderate and is possibly even judging you.
Maybe the truth was that they simply want to help or connect with you. Maybe they need and would accept an explanation or gentle redirecting of their expectations. No, they won’t ever truly “get it” – they won’t ever know the craziness that is this special life. Take a moment to be grateful for that. Them not “getting” it means they don’t have to live it. But just because they don’t get what being a special needs mom entails doesn’t mean they won’t be receptive to try and empathize.
Maybe the most important thing to remember is that they have pain too. Pain is relative to each person’s circumstances. We all deal with thorns.
Take a moment to step back in the moment and hear that friend’s heart instead of their words. Ask them questions. If they mean well, they’ll accept the questions.
If not, see #2. 😉
2. Embrace getting dirty. Y’all, some friendships just need plucked. Period. Some friendships are for a lifetime. Some friends simply make you better for knowing them. You may not talk to them for a year (yes, you Liz) but you know that in a heartbeat they’d drop everything and meet you where you are. Period.
Some friends are for seasons. Some friends are simply there in your life because of a child’s sport, an activity you’re in, your job, etc. It doesn’t mean they aren’t good people, it just means that the deepness (or lack thereof) was for a season of your life. And that’s okay. That’s not your fault and it’s not theirs either. Let them stay in that season.
But let’s talk about the weeds or the flowers that need to be trimmed. Some friends bloomed and no longer have a place in your garden. It’s time they are removed. Some friends LOOK like flowers but are weeds. These are the sneaky ones. They appear to be beautiful and add a surface beauty to the garden. But dang, they take a lot of maintenance. And if you don’t watch it, one day you’ll see them taking over the other flowers that were specifically planted in your garden for a reason.
That all may sound harsh. It’s not. If you start with #1 and listen to their heart, you’ll know when they need to be plucked. No judgment. It’s just a matter of keeping your garden healthy.
Honestly, maybe the flowers simply need to be replanted. It could be that your garden isn’t for them anymore and letting them be replanted is what’s best for their beauty to continue.
Each scenario requires you to get your hands dirty though.
3. Cultivate the ones remaining. Even if your garden is a little flower pot with one little flower, tend to it. Love it. Talk to it. Pay attention to what that flower needs. If you don’t cultivate your friendships you may just become their weed.
Need some ideas? See below for a few tips for us overwrought special needs moms.
5 Tips to Help Cultivate
Lasting Friendships
- Plan a Friend Date.
- Go for a coffee, a smoothie, or a walk. Take the children if you need to but try to get out of the dang house.
- Invite a friend over for coffee at your house (especially if you have a wheelchair to contend with and your friends’ homes aren’t accessible). Your house is a mess? So what. True friends will appreciate it.
- Face to face is always the best way to cultivate a friendship. But let’s be real, we don’t always have the luxury of face to face. (Especially in the midst of a global pandemic.) You can still talk to them! People, there are a million different ways to talk anymore. You can talk by phone, text, Facetime, Facebook messenger, Voxer, MarcoPolo, Zoom, Google Meets, or any other free app. The possibilities are endless. Don’t know how to use them? Google it. I promise there’s a video out there somewhere.
- Keep it short & sweet. Don’t feel that the conversations need to be overly long. If you’ve cultivated your friendship garden well, your friends will understand that you are usually time-poor and they’ll appreciate what you can give. Make whatever time you have count.
- Send a card. I buy a pack of ten at the dollar store. I carry a bag with me specifically for those doctor visits, last-minute hospital stays, or moments when I’m sitting in my car waiting. I’ll fill out a card for a friend and mail it. Sometimes the card just says “Thinking of you.” Trust me, it goes a long way. Wouldn’t it for you?
- Take note of their important milestones, dates, or events. Do their children play sports or participate in activities? Look up the team’s schedule online. If you can never make it to a game/activity, text them and ask how it went. Take a vested interest in their lives.
- Find other special needs moms to plant in your garden. They typically are the most vibrant, exciting, and take the least amount of maintenance. Plus, they get the inappropriate sense of humor we all have at times. 😉
Happy gardening, friends! May your garden have flowers that never wither, flowers that are seasonal and add dimension, and even a few weeds that make you pay attention to the garden in general.
“A sweet friendship refreshes the soul.” (Proverbs 27:9)