When there aren’t enough hours in the day, what do you do? In my messed up and rather snarky Monday mind, I hear little Ms. Perfect Pinterest Mom say “Friends, you prioritize. You pick the highest priority, work on that until it’s completed, and move on to the next.”
Sounds simple enough, right? Heck, I tell myself that every single day.
But what happens when you have several things that have to get done and you can’t get to them all? As mothers of children with special needs, there are simply things we can’t let go of. They need to be done. So what happens then? If you’re anything like me, you stand in the middle of your kitchen scratching your head saying something like “Are you friggin’ kidding me right now? How in the…? What the…?”
I’d love at this point to give you three fabulous and easy steps to swipe your to-do list clean so you can kick back with a glass (or bottle) of wine and a good book (or another bottle of wine). Well, here is my profound advice. There are usually no easy steps. And that just sucks, doesn’t it?!
What I can tell you is this. A lot of my “must-do tasks” can be broken down into three categories; the A.B.C.’s of surviving parenting a child with special needs and/or complex medical issues.
A = ASSIGN: What can my child do on his/her own? What are some tasks – or some parts of the task – that s/he may be able to complete on their own? What can a spouse, sibling, grandparent, neighbor, or in-home nurse help with?
Example: My husband and I share dinner duty. When one of us cooks, the other will use that time to do other things that will lighten that evening’s load. Sometimes, we just leave the house so we don’t lose our ever-lovin’ mind. (And that’s okay too!)
We also have our children do chores, even our youngest who has muscular dystrophy. He’s to the point in his disease where he’s unable to bend over so he empties the top rack only. We have moved things around in our kitchen to spots that he can reach. Even if he can’t do a complete chore, we have him do what he can because (1) he needs to be needed and useful (even if he doesn’t consciously know that) and (2) just because he is disabled doesn’t mean he isn’t useful or won’t be a contributing member of this family.
B = BATCH: What can be completed in batches? What can you do on certain days or at certain times that are more convenient for you?
Example: Sundays are medicine, injection, and equipment days. My son takes 18 pills a day. He has a cough assist and a BiPAP. So on Sunday afternoons, I refill that week’s meds into (what my son calls) his old-man pill dispenser. While I’m filling that week’s meds, I take note of any that have less than 2 weeks worth of doses remaining. I then use Monday mornings to order the necessary meds and/or verify they are scheduled to ship on time. That way, I know I don’t have to worry about medicine the majority of the week. It’s not even a thought.
I also use Sunday afternoons as a time to disinfect his medical equipment and to do his injections (also taking note of equipment parts, needles, and serum that may need to be reordered).
I can’t tell you how freeing it is to know from Monday afternoon through Sunday afternoon that I don’t have to worry about anything to do with meds, injections, or equipment. Because I know I have already taken care of it for at least that week. It frees my mind up for other things.
C = CRUCIAL: What is crucial or yes, even critical, to my child’s health right at this very moment? What needs to be done right now to continue his quality or duration of life?
Example: My son will have seasons when his heart flutters. This always scares the crap out of me. But, I now know to immediately check his blood pressure and have him lay down. Depending on the outcome, I either call his doctor or not. This is something that is a must-do-now task. And I have created enough margin in my life to know that if there is any fallout from me dropping everything to deal with this, well, then it is what it is. Life goes on and I’m strong enough to figure out the next step.
Okay, there is a D step but the title didn’t sound as “jazzy” when you say “The ABCD’s of surviving.”
D = DEAL WITH IT. Take a moment and evaluate whether it is a do or die task – literally. If you don’t have the bandwidth to do the task right now and it literally won’t decrease the quantity of life for your child, give yourself grace. It’s okay to not be perfect. No one is. Everyone around you – yes, even your child with special needs – just may have to “deal with it.” Trust me, it’ll be good for everyone around you to see that you have limits.
And if those ABC’s don’t work for you, remember this.
Always Be Charitable. Always be charitable to yourself and to others around you. If all the things can’t get done, do what you can now and try and figure out a new way to prepare for it the next time. You’re learning too. As a mom of a child with special needs, we are constantly learning how to do something. We are often more than “mom.” We are caregivers, teachers, students, doctors, nurses, friends, advocates, and much much more. It’s normal – NO, it is EXPECTED – for us to not be a rockstar at everything all the time! We. Are. Human. Don’t forget that. (See Step D.)
Your child doesn’t need you to be a superwoman. Your child needs you. You, as is, because you are pretty friggin’ fabulous, my friend!
Do you have any other tips and tricks to minimize the “crazy have to-do lists” us mamas have on a daily basis? I’d love to hear yours!
Love,
Sara