Yesterday was brutal. On the heels of the beautiful moment holding hands with my son at the hospital (click here or here for Wednesday’s social media post), came yesterday with gut-wrenching ‘I hate you’s and ‘Leave me alone’s being thrown around. It came with tears (from both sides). It came with yelling (from both sides). It came with me retreating to my office with my head on my desk crying.
And you know what?
Both of those moments – the sweet and the volatile – are part of the gig we have. It’s beautiful and it sucks. It’s life-giving and it’s emotionally draining.
Raising a child isn’t easy. Raising one with special needs takes it all to a whole different level. We have to take the good with the bad. (Anyone else just start singing the theme song to The Facts of Life?! You. are. Welcome. That’ll be with you all day.)
We all know that the rollercoaster of emotions is never ceasing and things can turn with a blink. When our child’s behavior stems from their diagnosis and we handle the situation less than admirably, we often start shaming ourselves. Let’s face it, it’s easier to blame ourselves than it is to blame the child who often can’t control it.
So there I was, shaming myself for yelling at my child. I was feeling guilty because he immediately regretted some of the mean things he said and he reached for me, but I wasn’t ready to hug and make up. I needed to walk away from him which was devastating to him. Sure, I know that yelling only escalates it. I know how to handle his meltdowns. I know a calm voice and a quick hug defuses the situation. Yet, I reacted how I did and there I sat crying and laying the guilt trip on myself.
It was at that moment, I felt God gently redirecting me.
I didn’t feel that He was scolding me or judging me. He was simply sitting with me and loving me. And isn’t that exactly what we need at times? Just someone to sit with us and be there with us.
I believe it’s moments like that when God gently lets us know that our reactions to ALL of our special-needs-mom-moments are understandable. Holding hands with our kiddos with our heads tilted and love pouring out of our eyes is beautiful. But so are the tears. Those tears we shed mean that we care. They also mean that we are human and we feel. Shedding tears means that we are strong enough to work through our emotions.
So whether you are holding hands in motherly devotion or holding your head in emotional desperation, you are wonderful. You are His and He is there holding you.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Now for a little flash back.
You take the good
You take the bad
You take them both and there you have
The facts of life
The facts of life
I’m soooo sorry! I just couldn’t help myself. For those of you confused, click here for The Facts of Life theme song. It’s profound.