Today marks the 11th anniversary of our son’s diagnosis. I thought it would softly & quietly drift by like it has the past few years, but it hasn’t.
I have felt this day creeping up on me slowly & calculatingly. Honestly, it’s been confusing because the past few years have been anticlimactic. I thought this day was finally getting more manageable or softened somehow.
Yet, over the past several days, this day has stood out like an annoying neon sign, blinding me to the softer light.
Over the past decade, I have learned not to ignore the signs; if I do, the emotions will eventually pour out, only tangled & unrestrained.
I used to get irritated when I remembered this day. I’ve learned that our bodies are remarkable creations that hold tightly to anything that profoundly changes us. I’ve learned to ask myself instead how to best feel, learn, and grow.
I have learned over the past 11 years to sit in the emotions, no matter how uncomfortable they are in that moment. I have learned to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
When I am sad, I cry. Sometimes the tears are soft, and sometimes the tears feel like torrents.
When I am happy, I have learned not to question if I should be. I don’t let guilt enter that space. I laugh. I smile. I feel. I breathe. I do whatever feeds the joy and multiplies it.
When I am angry, I cry out. I let the anger flow over me, so it does not transfer to anyone else. I learn to pray and give thanks to my Maker that even in my anger, he loves me.
When I am fearful, I retreat to security in the Word. That wasn’t always my safety, but I now know no other place that offers the same assurances.
Today might just be a day I do a little of it all – cry, laugh, smile, scream, cry out to God, pray, take a nap, shake out my death grip on fear, and just be still.
No matter the array of emotions I may have today, I know joy will always remain. That is what T.J. embodies. He loves life. Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy could never change that. There is no diagnosis that could ever alter the foundation of our family unless we allow it on a fundamental level, and we won’t.
Yet today, I am allowed to feel what a mom feels. And that’s okay.